lost in the darkness

I wish that I was able to say that I’m okay, but honestly I don’t even know what feeling “okay” means anymore. All I know is that I’m not okay, in far from being okay. 

I woke up this morning feeling lost, which I’m sure there will be many other people who have woken up today feeling the exact same way, my question is what are we supposed to do when we feel lost? 

In my mind all I’m able to see is darkness, there’s darkness surrounding me and there’s absolutely no light through that darkness so I’m lost, I don’t know which way to go, or who to even turn to and ask for help. I guess I just feel like the world is against me right now and nothing that I’m able to do is working to even bring just a little bit of light through. I don’t know what I’m actually expected to do. 

I told my mum today that I’m struggling and that I’m feeling so down, her first question was “have youu taken your meds” and then she tells me I’ll be fine, but again what does that even mean? How does she know that when I don’t even know it myself? Everything is really getting me agitated today, whether it be big or small its stressing me out. The only thought in my mind is “when is it bedtime” but then I know once it comes to bedtime I won’t be able to sleep I’ll just be lay in bed staring into the darkness and overthinking things in my mind so I ask myself.. Do I really lt to be bedtime? I just feel totally lost and I don’t know what to do.. 

If you’re reading this and you’re lost in this darkness and youu don’t know which way to turn or who to turn to then please know that you’re NOT alone, people do understand what you’re going through so please talk to people and let them know how you’re feeling because youu don’t deserve to go through what ever it is alone you’re worth more than that I promise youu. I’m not going to say it’ll get easier or that everything will magically disappear because I know that it won’t but just take one step at a time, go at your own pace and don’t forget that you’re not alone. You’re far more stronger than youu think. 

bullies/bullying.

So I’m sat here in a room in a place I don’t even know and I guess I feel abit outta my comfort zone being here but while sat here reading a trashy magazine I came across an article “we’re all miserable really aren’t we?” And it mainly just talks about bullying and stuff like that.. 

Now, while reading this something sparked inside of me anger or sadness maybe? Normally I write bout my mental health and my experiences but after reading this article I decided to pick up my phone and write a blog sharing my experiences with bullies.. 

In primary school there was this one girl who I really didn’t get on with, now I’m not a person who likes conflict I avoid it like the plague.. So this girl was horrible now I’m older I can honestly say she was a total bitch.. She’d call me names like “fat” “ugly” and “stupid”.. When we were in class and the teacher would ask me a question that I didn’t know the answer too she would laugh with all her friends and call me ” dumbo” so whenever in lessons I would try and hide from the teacher, avoid being asked or make it look like I was doing other stuff because I honestly felt stupid.  I Remember one day in the playground she was with her friends and she came up to me while I was playing with some of my friends with the skipping rope and she had those shoes youu know the ones that have the small heal on? Well she came up to me and kicked me in the private area  stood there laughing at me with her friends while I was left on the floor crying and at that time I honestly never felt more alone or embarrassed in my life and obviously when the teacher came over to us she denied everything.. This went on through primary school and it really did make me feel so worthless alone and stupid. I never told anyone about the bullying because I felt like no one would believe me because this girl and her friends kept denying everything.. 

When I went to high school I was bullied there too.. By a group of girls and some boys too, I hated every second I was there I’d make up excuses so that I didn’t have to go in when I did go in I’d be subjected to name calling, threats and psychical violence too.. I was made to feel so scared, alone, worthless, a failure at everything I did I turned to self harm at the age of twelve, I had no other way to cope with the bullying and also other things that were going on in my private life. When I got home from school I’d feel so alone that I’d reach for the blade and just want to end everything because I couldn’t cope. After about two years at this school I moved to another school where the bullying continued. I remember one day in about year 9/10 when I was walking home through the park after school and I was on my own and this lad from my year was following me and threatened to rape me. When I got home I was heartbroken I couldn’t stop crying I told my mum what had happened and I was left completely shaken. At this point my mum rang the school and told them what had happened and I was told to go see one of the teachers the next day so I did, although the school did speak to him it seemed to get worse but I didn’t tell anyone because he’d been spoken to on a few occasions and nothing worked. There were a few other lads who would bully me, laugh and whisper when I was walking down the corridors, they’d push me and call me names, I felt so worthless and like nodoby would care ifi was dead. At this point self harm became a daily thing and I’d taken an overdose because I just wanted everything to stop. No matter what was done the bullying continued until the day we left for good. 

Even though the bullying stopped after leaving that doesn’t mean the scars fade. Through school I sank into deep depression and suffered anxiety and I still do. Every now and then I still hear their voices telling me how worthless and stupid I am and it still hurts even now. I’ve never spoken out about being bullied apart from that once in school when I was threatened with Rape. 

Words hurt and they stick with youu no matter what age youu are.. What I’ve come to realise is that bullies bully because they’re suffering themselves on the inside, they bully and target the weaker people because it makes them feel powerful it makes them feel like they have control over you; we all have our pains and aches through life but that doesn’t mean we have to have the weight of other peoples sadness put onto us, I used to feel like I deserved the bullying because I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t skinnier enough but now I realise its them who had the problem not me and I didn’t deserve the way I was treated. Its took me years to realise this but I will be stronger now because of those bullies I won’t let them win.

My message to anyone who is being bullied is; speak out! Tell someone youu trust, a family member, a teacher or a friend and let them help you. My biggest mistake was keeping it to myself, the bullying nearly cost me my life don’t let them do the same to you; youu don’t deserve to be treated like you’re nothing, you’re a human being and deserve to be happy! Don’t let the bullies win you’re much stronger than you think youu are! 

It’s all one big mess

I look at everything that’s going on around me and all I think is “it’s all one big mess”. When youu say this to someone they look at youu as if to say ” what mess?”.. What some people don’t understand is that its not a visual mess like you’d see if youu walked into a room and everything was all over the floor, it’s a mess that only youu yourself can see and I guess that’s harder to explain really.. 

For me when I say “it’s all a big mess” I see aspects of my life scattered on the floor in front of me, if things get too much for me to handle then this mess starts to pile on top of each other until they eventually tip over and break all over the floor when this happens it can mean one of two things 1) I’m about to have a massive break down or 2) I’m about to explode.. This pile up happens when I can’t handle the mess in front of me and I just try and ignore it because I know that if I try to just move past this mess I’ll get stuck and fall apart so instead of dealing with the mess I let it pile up and pile up until it falls to the floor but then the only problem is I’ll be left with a bigger mess..

I know that when things do get to much for me to handle I hit the self destruct button, I do things that hurt me, I push people away and I just sink so deep into depression that I have no way of finding my way back out again. That’s where I’m at right now, I’ve hit that self destruct button and I’m sinking and quite honestly I just don’t know what to do for the best anymore. 

I have one piece of advice if you’re reading this and youu see that mess in front of youu, reach out to someone before youu hit the self destruct button, ask for help because there’s no shame in that you’re worth far more than youu think, I’ve gone past that stage right now but for youu its not too late so please just reach out to anyone that youu trust and you’ll come outta the over side far stronger than youu were at the beginning!

When my depression takes over.

When my depression takes over it grips hold of me so tightly it seems impossible to escape. It’s like having chains wrapped all around me with a dozen padlocks keeping me secure in its grip but at the same time its also got a huge weight attached to them just to make sure it holds me down. After a while it feels as if its putting me out at sea and this weight is holding me down to sink to the bottom, and I’m left there to drown with no way of getting back to the surface. 

When my depression takes over every little part of me hurts, thinking hurts, talking hurts, breathing hurts and simply existing hurts. I push people away because simply having anyone around me is exhausting, trying to explain how I’m feeling is exhausting and frustrating. Simply getting out of bed is the hardest task I face every day because all I want to do is hide away from the world.

When my depression takes over I believe that everyone would be better of without me, that nobody would miss me or even care. I just want to disappear and never come back. I believe that I’m worthless, stupid, a failure, useless, a disappointment, a nobody, a burden and and inconvenience to everybody. I feel as though everyday I’m drowning further and further to the bottom of the sea. 

When my depression takes over I self destruct, I bottle everything up inside everytime anyone asks if I’m okay I automatically say I’m fine or I’m just tired. I find it difficult to sleep and to eat, I don’t take care of myself the way I normally would. I hide away under my covers in my bedroom. I try to cope but when I can’t I reach for the razor blade and I cut and the blade is my bestfriend. I lose contact with close friends because I’ve pushed them away and I just go days without talking to anybody atall. I become highly emotional, anything and everything WILL make me cry. 
When my depression takes over I can’t see any other way out other than taking my own life. My life seems to hard to carry on living because everything around me is to intense. Nothing feels worth anything anymore, I don’t enjoy living and I don’t enjoy anything that I used to enjoy. I can’t handle the things life is throwing at me, I can no longer handle the things that happened to me growing up. I can no longer handle waking up and existing when it hurts too much inside.

BUT 

When my depression takes over I have professionals around me to give me a helping hand to bring me up back to the surface, I have support networks to help guide me back up to the surface. I reached out for help and now these professionals know the warning signs of when my depression takes over and I’m so grateful to them. Sometimes my depression has to tight of a grip of me I reject the help they offer me I sometimes believe they can’t even help me anymore because I’m not worth the help and I’m a lost cause and I’m to far gone for them to help me, but once I’m guided out of the sea I realise my depression was lieng to me. 

If you’re struggling with depression please reach out for help because it is so worth it, you’re worth everything and more. I hope by reading this I’ve helped people to realise they’re not alone and ere are people who understand what you’re going through. So please remember you’re not alone and you’re going to be okay in the end and if its not okay it’s not the end. 

i’m sorry

I’m sorry for being upset, I’m sorry for not trusting easily, I’m sorry for not being able to function properly today, I’m sorry that I’m an inconvenience to youu, I’m sorry I get on your nerves, I’m sorry for not being happy, I’m sorry I’m in your way I’m sorry i cry around youu, i’m sorry that i get figity because of my anxiety i’m sorry that this distracts and annoys youu, i’m sorry i fall apart because i can’t cope i’m sorry that I even exist.

I’m sorry I’m not around much, I’m sorry I’m not there when youu need me to be, I’m sorry I’m a rubbish friend, I’m sorry I’m a disappointment as a daughter, I’m sorry I’m a useless sister, I’m sorry I’m a failure as an auntie, I’m sorry that I’m a waste of space. 

Youu actually never even realise how much youu apologise for things until youu see it written down or someone points it out to youu, youu can even be apologising for things that aren’t your fault and are out of your control. 

My anxiety, my depression, my BPD all lead me to believe that I’m all of these things that I’ve mentioned above, they tell me that I’m a waste of space, worthless, a failure, a disappointment. They tell me that I’m to blame for every little thing/problem that happens around me withing my family or circle of friends, that if I wasn’t around nothing would go wrong. They tell me that I need to better myself on a daily basis, they tell me I should be able to fix/help with anyone’s problems and if I can’t they’ll tell me I’m stupid and a waste of space. They tell me I’m an inconvenience and a burden to all those around me which stops me from going out an socialising because I feel its not fair for anyone to be burdened with me. My depression, My anxiety, My BPD make me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m nothing, like I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, skinnier enough, funny enough they tell me that I need to be anything other/better than myself.

After so long youu begin to believe all these things your being told by your anxiety and your depression. I believe what I’m told as I’m told all these things on a daily basis, i see myself the way my depression, anxiety and BPD portrays me to be, BUT I’m learning that no matter what lies they’re telling me they’re not true, I don’t need to apologise for things that I have no control over, I don’t need to apologise for being me and most of all I don’t need to apologise for existing. Everyday with help&support I’m learning and that’s the most important thing.

If you’re reading this post and find yourself apologising for things the way I do, then DON’T! Always remember that youu are good enough, youu are worth peoples time, youu are deserving of a better life&support and most of all please DON’T ever apologise for existing, you’re on this earth for a reason and you’re important never forget that! 

Tired of existing and not up to life.

Like many people I have days like this, everything is falling apart into a million tiny pieces around youu, your entire body is weighed down with emotions that are just to heavy for youu to carry. Where simply just getting yourself out of bed and dressed in the morning feels like you’ve ran a marathon and won. Yet going beyond your bedroom door, your safe place, taking that further step scares youu because youu don’t know what that day is going to bring and whether youu can handle it or not. Take that step!

There are times like many people where my mental health issues grab a hold of me and drag me into the deep depths of depression and anxiety. They grab hold so hard and this makes me tired of existing and not up to life because in that depth of anxiety and depression the hole is to dark and to deep to pull myself out of and it’s exhausting. It takes all my strength to get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and leave my safe place my bedroom but I do it.  I’ve somehow managed it but despite that I’m still not fully there, I’m not fully functioning. On these days I’ll be highly emotional anything and everything big or small will have me crying, the world will seem out to get me, my mind will tell me I’m not worth anyone’s time, my mind will tell me everybody would be better of without me. I ask myself “what’s the point? Why am I bothering” because on these days I can’t do right from doing wrong, I can’t concentrate when I need to, I’m just not functioning and all I want to do is hide away from the world and disappear because I’m tired of existing and not up to life. 

This is one of the hardest things about living with mental health issues, every part of your being hurts, existing hurts, thinking hurts and life hurts. You’re too scared to reach out to anybody when you’re anxious because your depression is telling youu that nobody will care  everyone hates youu so instead youu suffer in silence and believe that you’re alone. 

If you’re reading this post and are struggling, I know that it may not give youu any hope, but what I hope it will do is show youu that you’re not alone, youu matter and what youu feel is important. If you’re reading this and you’ve managed to just get out of bed well done! You’ve accomplished a massive thing for the day and youu should feel proud of yourself because I’m proud of you! To some people it will only seem like a small thing but to those who struggle with mental health issues its huge! This is the only thing I’ve wanted to be told but I’m going to tell youu this instead, your feelings are valid, youu matter, you’re important, you’re strong and most importantly it’s going to be okay! 

I promise that we won’t feel this way for ever, we’ll one day have the laughter instead of the tears, the light instead of the darkness, untill then just remember you’re strong and youu will get through this.

had enough of being judged and misunderstood

Why is it when people find out that you’re unwell, youu have a mental health illness, everything seems to just change? 

People are so quick to judge, once they know youu have a mental health illness they seem to treat youu differently, they won’t tell youu things anymore, they won’t invite youu out, they will hardly bother with youu but why? I won’t break if youu tell me things, I won’t struggle about going out, I won’t fall apart when you’re around me.. I’m not defined by my mental health, I’m the same person I’ve always been.. I still laugh, I still mess about and act silly I’m still me! 

These things can stop people from speaking out about mental health and make them feel ashamed of being poorly with no fault of their own. People fear they’ll be treated differently and fear they will be judged and misunderstood so they keep quiet and suffer alone.. People are not their illness yeah it’s part of them but it doesn’t change who they are. 

My fear of being treated differently because of my mental health issues is huge so I don’t tell people, I do keep it to myself because I still want to be treated like me, not like someone who has a mental health illness. It doesn’t define me it doesn’t make me any different to the person I was before youu knew about my health.. 

I’m still me!

I just want to run away and disappear.

I feel like this a lot especially right now. Everything around me is falling apart and I can’t make it stop, every little piece of my life Is crumbling into little parts around me and I can’t put the pieces back together I just don’t know how to.

Have youu ever pictured yourself in your own mind, running along a path, some grass, a big field or what ever it is you’re running on, but you’re running, as fast as youu can away from everyone and everything, youu can’t look back because it hurts to much, youu don’t know where you’re going or how long you’re going for youu just know youu have to get away from it all get away from all the hurt the pain the misery the mess that youu call your life.

Days like this hurt, they tear apart your every being, it simply just hurts to much to carry on, it hurts to exist especially when all youu want to do is escape, run away and disappear because life is simply just to much to handle right now.

Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and mine is to either hurt myself or run. I avoid any situation that hurts me, I try my best to avoid being hurt so I run and hide away, sometimes it doesn’t work out and I get hurt so bad that my mind tells me everyone would be better of with out me, that they’d be happier if I just disappeared and these voices in my mind I believe every single word that they tell me. I believe them with every fiber of my being.

Situations can go either way, they either work out for the better or they hurt youu so badly youu can’t get yourself out of them, they leave youu stuck in a rut that is simply to hard to climb out of. Youu try so hard to work through every situation as best as youu can but the harder one makes youu feel like you’re being dragged backwards instead of pushed forwards, youu can either end up back at square one or youu can be pushed further back so its harder to work through. These harder hurtful situations make youu doubt yourself and make youu want to run as far and as fast as your legs can carry youu just to escape the pain.

I want to run, I want to disappear, I want to escape because life for me right now in this moment is to difficult for me to even contemplate staying, existing is simply hurting me to much, however some how, I’m holding on in the hope that one day very soon I come out of this dark place, I’m trying and I’m carrying on no matter how much it hurts existing right now I’m still here and I’m still trying.

Understanding.

Wouldn’t some of youu agree that existing is absolutely exhausting?

Youu get to that point in your life where the simplest of tasks such as getting out of bed in a morning takes so much energy and effort, youu try so hard to get through the rest of the day as best as youu can. Youu don’t know how youu manage it but somehow youu do and that’s a massive victory for yourself because at the beginning of the day, lay in your bed youu thought to yourself “I can’t do this”, but somewhere deep inside of youu, youu fought to get out of bed..

The next day may not be as easy, youu lay there in your bed and youu haven’t the energy to drag yourself out from the comfort, the safety of your blankets, the safety of your room the safety of just being alone right there in that moment lay in your bed. The thought of just getting out of bed, getting yourself washed dressed and having breakfast exhausts youu. Even breathing exhausts youu, on this day just existing exhausts youu, its to much in your mind. Youu may have plans on these days, whether you’re seeing friends or have appointments but youu can’t even begin to think about those because even thinking is to hard for youu right now so instead of pulling yourself out of bed ¬†youu pull the covers over your head just to hide yourself from the world.

Living is exhausting

Breathing is exhausting

Thinking is exhausting

Everything for youu right now is to exhausting to contemplate and do youu know what? THAT’S OKAY!!

Everybody has days like these, but unfortunately for some one suffering with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues these days become more frequent, more harder to pull yourself out of, and that’s okay.. Youu should never have to feel bad for the way that youu feel because remember your feelings are valid YOU’RE VALID!

If youu are having a day like this and happen to be reading this post then please remember days like these will pass, it may take some time because I know its far from easy, but they will pass.. Youu have to remind yourself that its okay to feel the way that youu do and tell yourself you’ll try again tomorrow and keep on trying until the days seem that little bit more manageable.

I believe in youu, I know you’ll get through this because you’re strong, and you’re not alone!

Stay strong all youu lovely people I have faith in youu all!