This is a topic that people feel ashamed to talk about, i know that it’s a sensitive subject. I know previously I’ve been ashamed myself to talk about how I myself struggle with self harm, don’t get me wrong I still even now hide it and don’t talk to people about it, but if this post helps just one person know that they aren’t alone and there are people who understand their struggle then that’s fine with me..
I started to self harm when I was just twelve years old, I remember sitting in the shower the water hitting of my face as I cried, I picked up the razor blade and I made the first cut, little did I know that now at nearly 21 years of age I still pick up that blade and I cut. I self harm when I can’t cope with situations, when everything is to much and I just literally cannot handle it anymore.
For me self harming is my coping mechanism, when everything is too much for me too handle and I pick up that blade in those few moments everything around me just stands still, it feels like time just stops and it’s a release like no other. I’m not ashamed to admit that on numerous occasions I’ve been in the back of an ambulance being taken to hospital for stitches. That’s when my self harm spirals outta control, because believe me it does. It can take over youu and become an addiction, the first and only thing youu turn to when youu can’t cope with life, when emotions are just to much to handle and youu need too feel those few moments of release. There are times I can go without self harming but then there’s times where I simply can’t go a day without taking the blade to my skin. It’s a battle an everyday battle and it’s not an easy one I know that first hand. I have scars, I have cuts and I’m not ashamed to admit that anymore.
Self harm is not something to be ashamed about, it’s just the way a person finds to help them cope, to some people that may seem like a stupid way to cope, but that’s because they’re not gripped in the addiction of self harm, they don’t know that after you’ve made that first ever cut there is no going back. It’s not as easy as just “stopping” or “throwing away a blade” because its hard, it’s so much god damn harder than that, believe me. I know some people may see it as “attention seeking” but its not, sometimes it’s a cry or help and sometimes it’s just the way a person is able to cope. I, in all honesty have become so good at hiding the fact I cut, I cut in places no one is able to see, and that’s just what some people do, because they don’t want someone to see what they’re doing to themselves because they’re ashamed of what they’re doing but they just simply don’t know what else to do.
If you’re reading this and youu know what I’m talking about and are going through this struggle then please, just know that you’re not alone. Don’t be ashamed of who youu are, don’t be ashamed of how you’ve learnt to cope because you’re worth more than that. I know what it’s like to feel as though the blade youu hold is the only thing that’s there for youu when youu need it, I know what its like to feel as though that blade is your best friend because it’ll never let youu down. I understand! you’re not alone and that I promise youu. It’s a daily battle between youu and that blade but one day youu will win, youu will fight and one day youu won’t need that blade anymore. It may not be today, tomorrow or the next few months, but one day soon you’ll win the war. I believe in youu 100 million percent. Keep on fighting because you’re so worth it!