Shutting myself away. 

Have youu ever just wanted to hide away from the world? Close yourself of from everything and everybody? Ever just wanted to pretend like youu don’t exist? This is me, right here, right now, in this moment. 

I can’t handle the world, I can’t handle being around people right now, I guess this is when I can actually say I don’t see a purpose in life, I don’t see anything to keep me here. I feel like such a failure nothing I actually ever do is good enough for anybody. I’m hiding away, in my bedroom lay in my bed hiding under the covers because I can’t handle life, I can’t handle the world, I can’t handle people and quite honestly I can’t even handle myself right now. I feel like I’m literally drowning. 

My mental health is declining rapidly and I’m here shutting myself away, what kind of weakling does that make me? What kind of failure does that make me right now? I’m so stupid! Have youu ever literally just stood there in front of a mirror and asked yourself “what is the point in my existence? What is the point of me?” The anger I have towards myself for eben feeling this way is so intense, I know I should be able to handle life but in all honesty right now, I just can’t. 

I know that right now I do need to access the support I have available to me, but I can’t bring myself to reach out for it so I just feel like I’m drowning. I’m stuck, alone and scared because I can’t even reach out for support because I can’t handle it, how dumb does that make me? I’m shutting myself away from my support workers, my psychiatrist and my psychologist, I’m ignoring phone calls, I’m avoiding letters, I’m avoiding voice mails and messages because I just cannot handle to talk to anyone, I can’t handle people and I honestly don’t even know how I’m supposed to pull myself outta this I really don’t. 

I know what people may think when they read this “well just reach out then” or “don’t be so stupid and ask for help” but honestly I wish it was that easy. My mind is telling me I’m not worthy of support, I’m not worthy of being helped and it’s dragging me down hugely to the point I’ve just shut down. I don’t know how to bring myself out of this rut, I feel like I’m trying so hard to paddle to survive but instead all I’m doing is drowning further and further to the bottom. 

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