Trying to make everyone else happy before yourself.

I know this is one thing that I do constantly, putting people before myself even if that means I’m being hurt in the process.. I honestly don’t know why I do it but I just do. 

I know that people will say “youu can’t make everyone happy so what’s the point in doing this to yourself?” My answer to that question is in all honesty I believe that everyone else around me is worth more than me, deserve better than me, that their happiness is worth more than mine, this is what my depression tells me, this is what my bpd tells me, this is what the voices inside my head tell me.. So all I do is put everyone else before myself even if it doesn’t always work out its something that I have to do..

Now I know what youu must be thinking “she’s crazy” “she’s hearing voices she’s mad” or “she’s stupid” anyone can label me what they like but I will continue to put everyone else before myself because I don’t know how to put myself first anymore. I don’t know how to look after number one because all my time goes into putting everyone above myself..

 I’ll be completely honest, it’s exhausting it really is exhausting and at times I do ask myself the questions youu may be thinking yourself now why do I do this? What’s the point? What’s my gain from this? My only gain is knowing I try my absolute best to make everyone happy, I do anything I can to help people I do everything I possibly can, granted sometimes it may come back to bite me in the butt and that’s fine, that’s just who I am I suppose.
Another reason I do this is because of my mental health, I believe I’m worthless, a failure, an inconvenience to everyone around me, I’m not worthy of happiness, I’m not deserving of a better life and I guess in a way I’m kind of okaay with that I’ve gotten used to that so why not try make someone else happy? Yeah I know what you’re thinking youu can’t “make” someone be happy but at the end of the day all youu can do is try.

I honestly don’t know of I’m alone in this, if I’m alone in feeling the way that I do but in all honesty one day if I manage to make myself happy, get the confidence in myself to make me happy then great but if not and if this is what I have to do then that’s fine to. 

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