bullies/bullying.

So I’m sat here in a room in a place I don’t even know and I guess I feel abit outta my comfort zone being here but while sat here reading a trashy magazine I came across an article “we’re all miserable really aren’t we?” And it mainly just talks about bullying and stuff like that.. 

Now, while reading this something sparked inside of me anger or sadness maybe? Normally I write bout my mental health and my experiences but after reading this article I decided to pick up my phone and write a blog sharing my experiences with bullies.. 

In primary school there was this one girl who I really didn’t get on with, now I’m not a person who likes conflict I avoid it like the plague.. So this girl was horrible now I’m older I can honestly say she was a total bitch.. She’d call me names like “fat” “ugly” and “stupid”.. When we were in class and the teacher would ask me a question that I didn’t know the answer too she would laugh with all her friends and call me ” dumbo” so whenever in lessons I would try and hide from the teacher, avoid being asked or make it look like I was doing other stuff because I honestly felt stupid.  I Remember one day in the playground she was with her friends and she came up to me while I was playing with some of my friends with the skipping rope and she had those shoes youu know the ones that have the small heal on? Well she came up to me and kicked me in the private area  stood there laughing at me with her friends while I was left on the floor crying and at that time I honestly never felt more alone or embarrassed in my life and obviously when the teacher came over to us she denied everything.. This went on through primary school and it really did make me feel so worthless alone and stupid. I never told anyone about the bullying because I felt like no one would believe me because this girl and her friends kept denying everything.. 

When I went to high school I was bullied there too.. By a group of girls and some boys too, I hated every second I was there I’d make up excuses so that I didn’t have to go in when I did go in I’d be subjected to name calling, threats and psychical violence too.. I was made to feel so scared, alone, worthless, a failure at everything I did I turned to self harm at the age of twelve, I had no other way to cope with the bullying and also other things that were going on in my private life. When I got home from school I’d feel so alone that I’d reach for the blade and just want to end everything because I couldn’t cope. After about two years at this school I moved to another school where the bullying continued. I remember one day in about year 9/10 when I was walking home through the park after school and I was on my own and this lad from my year was following me and threatened to rape me. When I got home I was heartbroken I couldn’t stop crying I told my mum what had happened and I was left completely shaken. At this point my mum rang the school and told them what had happened and I was told to go see one of the teachers the next day so I did, although the school did speak to him it seemed to get worse but I didn’t tell anyone because he’d been spoken to on a few occasions and nothing worked. There were a few other lads who would bully me, laugh and whisper when I was walking down the corridors, they’d push me and call me names, I felt so worthless and like nodoby would care ifi was dead. At this point self harm became a daily thing and I’d taken an overdose because I just wanted everything to stop. No matter what was done the bullying continued until the day we left for good. 

Even though the bullying stopped after leaving that doesn’t mean the scars fade. Through school I sank into deep depression and suffered anxiety and I still do. Every now and then I still hear their voices telling me how worthless and stupid I am and it still hurts even now. I’ve never spoken out about being bullied apart from that once in school when I was threatened with Rape. 

Words hurt and they stick with youu no matter what age youu are.. What I’ve come to realise is that bullies bully because they’re suffering themselves on the inside, they bully and target the weaker people because it makes them feel powerful it makes them feel like they have control over you; we all have our pains and aches through life but that doesn’t mean we have to have the weight of other peoples sadness put onto us, I used to feel like I deserved the bullying because I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t skinnier enough but now I realise its them who had the problem not me and I didn’t deserve the way I was treated. Its took me years to realise this but I will be stronger now because of those bullies I won’t let them win.

My message to anyone who is being bullied is; speak out! Tell someone youu trust, a family member, a teacher or a friend and let them help you. My biggest mistake was keeping it to myself, the bullying nearly cost me my life don’t let them do the same to you; youu don’t deserve to be treated like you’re nothing, you’re a human being and deserve to be happy! Don’t let the bullies win you’re much stronger than you think youu are! 

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