When my depression takes over.

When my depression takes over it grips hold of me so tightly it seems impossible to escape. It’s like having chains wrapped all around me with a dozen padlocks keeping me secure in its grip but at the same time its also got a huge weight attached to them just to make sure it holds me down. After a while it feels as if its putting me out at sea and this weight is holding me down to sink to the bottom, and I’m left there to drown with no way of getting back to the surface. 

When my depression takes over every little part of me hurts, thinking hurts, talking hurts, breathing hurts and simply existing hurts. I push people away because simply having anyone around me is exhausting, trying to explain how I’m feeling is exhausting and frustrating. Simply getting out of bed is the hardest task I face every day because all I want to do is hide away from the world.

When my depression takes over I believe that everyone would be better of without me, that nobody would miss me or even care. I just want to disappear and never come back. I believe that I’m worthless, stupid, a failure, useless, a disappointment, a nobody, a burden and and inconvenience to everybody. I feel as though everyday I’m drowning further and further to the bottom of the sea. 

When my depression takes over I self destruct, I bottle everything up inside everytime anyone asks if I’m okay I automatically say I’m fine or I’m just tired. I find it difficult to sleep and to eat, I don’t take care of myself the way I normally would. I hide away under my covers in my bedroom. I try to cope but when I can’t I reach for the razor blade and I cut and the blade is my bestfriend. I lose contact with close friends because I’ve pushed them away and I just go days without talking to anybody atall. I become highly emotional, anything and everything WILL make me cry. 
When my depression takes over I can’t see any other way out other than taking my own life. My life seems to hard to carry on living because everything around me is to intense. Nothing feels worth anything anymore, I don’t enjoy living and I don’t enjoy anything that I used to enjoy. I can’t handle the things life is throwing at me, I can no longer handle the things that happened to me growing up. I can no longer handle waking up and existing when it hurts too much inside.

BUT 

When my depression takes over I have professionals around me to give me a helping hand to bring me up back to the surface, I have support networks to help guide me back up to the surface. I reached out for help and now these professionals know the warning signs of when my depression takes over and I’m so grateful to them. Sometimes my depression has to tight of a grip of me I reject the help they offer me I sometimes believe they can’t even help me anymore because I’m not worth the help and I’m a lost cause and I’m to far gone for them to help me, but once I’m guided out of the sea I realise my depression was lieng to me. 

If you’re struggling with depression please reach out for help because it is so worth it, you’re worth everything and more. I hope by reading this I’ve helped people to realise they’re not alone and ere are people who understand what you’re going through. So please remember you’re not alone and you’re going to be okay in the end and if its not okay it’s not the end. 

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