i’m sorry

I’m sorry for being upset, I’m sorry for not trusting easily, I’m sorry for not being able to function properly today, I’m sorry that I’m an inconvenience to youu, I’m sorry I get on your nerves, I’m sorry for not being happy, I’m sorry I’m in your way I’m sorry i cry around youu, i’m sorry that i get figity because of my anxiety i’m sorry that this distracts and annoys youu, i’m sorry i fall apart because i can’t cope i’m sorry that I even exist.

I’m sorry I’m not around much, I’m sorry I’m not there when youu need me to be, I’m sorry I’m a rubbish friend, I’m sorry I’m a disappointment as a daughter, I’m sorry I’m a useless sister, I’m sorry I’m a failure as an auntie, I’m sorry that I’m a waste of space. 

Youu actually never even realise how much youu apologise for things until youu see it written down or someone points it out to youu, youu can even be apologising for things that aren’t your fault and are out of your control. 

My anxiety, my depression, my BPD all lead me to believe that I’m all of these things that I’ve mentioned above, they tell me that I’m a waste of space, worthless, a failure, a disappointment. They tell me that I’m to blame for every little thing/problem that happens around me withing my family or circle of friends, that if I wasn’t around nothing would go wrong. They tell me that I need to better myself on a daily basis, they tell me I should be able to fix/help with anyone’s problems and if I can’t they’ll tell me I’m stupid and a waste of space. They tell me I’m an inconvenience and a burden to all those around me which stops me from going out an socialising because I feel its not fair for anyone to be burdened with me. My depression, My anxiety, My BPD make me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m nothing, like I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, skinnier enough, funny enough they tell me that I need to be anything other/better than myself.

After so long youu begin to believe all these things your being told by your anxiety and your depression. I believe what I’m told as I’m told all these things on a daily basis, i see myself the way my depression, anxiety and BPD portrays me to be, BUT I’m learning that no matter what lies they’re telling me they’re not true, I don’t need to apologise for things that I have no control over, I don’t need to apologise for being me and most of all I don’t need to apologise for existing. Everyday with help&support I’m learning and that’s the most important thing.

If you’re reading this post and find yourself apologising for things the way I do, then DON’T! Always remember that youu are good enough, youu are worth peoples time, youu are deserving of a better life&support and most of all please DON’T ever apologise for existing, you’re on this earth for a reason and you’re important never forget that! 

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