For when you’re feeling alone.

I get it, like i honestly seriously really do get it.

I know that right now it seems impossibe to get through the days, i know how hard it is for you right now to just get through the next minute, the next second. It’s hard and i understand.

I know that right now you’re sitting where ever it is youu are and you’re feeling alone, like it’s youu against the world and that nobody understands youu, but i’m telling youu, YOUU the person here reading this blog that you’re honestly not alone. There are people who will understand and know exactly what it is you’re going through, People who are willing to help and support youu, youu just have to be willing to accept that help.

Myself, i struggle to accept help and support when it’s offered to me, because my mind tells me things that honestly i know deep down are not true. I sometimes turn down support and shut myself away because i believe sometimes that i’m not worthy of the help i’m being offered and that leads me to thinking that i’m alone, because i’ll be honest i do have that voice inside my head that tells me i deserve the things that i’m going through myself. That voice stops me from getting help. I often feel like i’m on a roler coaster ride that never seems to stop. But somehow along the way i manage to accept the help, i don’t know what makes me do it but i do.

I’m not going to sit here and say it’s easy to accept help because i know to god damn well that it’s far from easy, it’s the hardest thing you’ll probably ever do, but once you do it i promise you that it will be totally worth it.

I know first hand how painful it is to be sat in your bedroom at night and feel like the whole world is against you, i know how hard it is to feel like you’re alone when you’re in the most crowdiest room, i know how hard it is to feel like nobody will understand you, i know that the hardest thing is letting someone in when youu feel like every single person around you is out to get  you and are against you, i know that no matter how many times people will tell youu that you’re not alone, it doesn’t actually change the fact you feel alone.

I understand.

I know that right now to you it feels like it will never get better and that you won’t get through this but i promise that one day you will. It won’t just happen overnight, it’ll be a long road but that journey can start by you reaching out and asking for help without feeling ashamed to do so. I know that no matter how alone youu feel that someone is there just waiting to help you.

These words may not mean alot to most people but i just want to tell you that i believe in you, i understand you and i’m here for you. I Promise.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

YOU’RE STRONGER  THAN YOUU THINK.

 

Struggling With Self Harm.

This is a topic that people feel ashamed to talk about, i know that it’s a sensitive subject. I know previously I’ve been ashamed myself to talk about how I myself struggle with self harm, don’t get me wrong I still even now hide it and don’t talk to people about it, but if this post helps just one person know that they aren’t alone and there are people who understand their struggle then that’s fine with me.. 

I started to self harm when I was just twelve years old, I remember sitting in the shower the water hitting of my face as I cried, I picked up the razor blade and I made the first cut, little did I know that now at nearly 21 years of age I still pick up that blade and I cut. I self harm when I can’t cope with situations, when everything is to much and I just literally cannot handle it anymore. 

For me self harming is my coping mechanism, when everything is too much for me too handle and I pick up that blade in those few moments everything around me just stands still, it feels like time just stops and it’s a release like no other. I’m not ashamed to admit that on numerous occasions I’ve been in the back of an ambulance being taken to hospital for stitches. That’s when my self harm spirals outta control, because believe me it does. It can take over youu and become an addiction, the first and only thing youu turn to when youu can’t cope with life, when emotions are just to much to handle and youu need too feel those few moments of release. There are times I can go without self harming but then there’s times where I simply can’t go a day without taking the blade to my skin. It’s a battle an everyday battle and it’s not an easy one I know that first hand. I have scars, I have cuts and I’m not ashamed to admit that anymore. 

Self harm is not something to be ashamed about, it’s just the way a person finds to help them cope, to some people that may seem like a stupid way to cope, but that’s because they’re not gripped in the addiction of self harm, they don’t know that after you’ve made that first ever cut there is no going back. It’s not as easy as just “stopping” or “throwing away a blade” because its hard, it’s so much god damn harder than that, believe me. I know some people may see it as “attention seeking” but its not, sometimes it’s a cry or help and sometimes it’s just the way a person is able to cope. I, in all honesty have become so good at hiding the fact I cut, I cut in places no one is able to see, and that’s just what some people do, because they don’t want someone to see what they’re doing to themselves because they’re ashamed of what they’re doing but they just simply don’t know what else to do. 

If you’re reading this and youu know what I’m talking about and are going through this struggle then please, just know that you’re not alone. Don’t be ashamed of who youu are, don’t be ashamed of how you’ve learnt to cope because you’re worth more than that. I know what it’s like to feel as though the blade youu hold is the only thing that’s there for youu when youu need it, I know what its like to feel as though that blade is your best friend because it’ll never let youu down. I understand! you’re not alone and that I promise youu. It’s a daily battle between youu and that blade but one day youu will win, youu will fight and one day youu won’t need that blade anymore. It may not be today, tomorrow or the next few months, but one day soon you’ll win the war. I believe in youu 100 million percent. Keep on fighting because you’re so worth it!

Self Image.

I hear this word thrown about quite a lot if I’m honest. Self image is something that a lot of people don’t actually quite understand. The way a person views themselves actually says a lot about there mental health. 

I for example struggle with my own self image, when I look in the mirror I hate what I see, I can’t stand to see the person looking back at me, its like I honestly don’t recognise myself anymore. I hate myself because I feel the way I look is not good enough, I need to be skinnier, I need to be prettier I just need to be better than I am. I need to be anything but me. I don’t love myself like I’m told I’m supposed to, because how can youu love something that is simply not good enough? I hate my body with all my being I really do. My self image is completely messed up, I’m constantly comparing myself to other girls and when I see that they in my own mind may look better than me I hate myself just that little bit more, I guess youu can say it’s one vicious cycle, a cycle that right now I’m unable to break, I don’t know if I’ll be able to break it but all I can do is try.

Poor self image stems from many of things, from people telling youu that youu should look a certain way, society believing youu should look a certain way,  it can also stem from different types of abuse through your life whether it be emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Having poor self image doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with youu, it just means that you’ve been told certain things about yourself and how youu should look so many times over and over again and you’ve actually began to believe it and that’s okay, it just means that youu have to be reminded how beautiful and perfect youu are just the way youu are and hopefully the more youu start to love yourself and believe all the positives about youu. 

It will take time I understand that but youu have to start to learn to love yourself, it won’t be easy I totally get that, but youu will get there and that I promise youu. Start everyday standing in front of your mirror whether it be in your bedroom or in your bathroom just stand in front of it, look at your reflection and look yourself right in the eyes and tell yourself “I am beautiful” because youu are, youu truely are, everyone has their imperfections but that’s just what makes youu imperfectly perfect. 

Shutting myself away. 

Have youu ever just wanted to hide away from the world? Close yourself of from everything and everybody? Ever just wanted to pretend like youu don’t exist? This is me, right here, right now, in this moment. 

I can’t handle the world, I can’t handle being around people right now, I guess this is when I can actually say I don’t see a purpose in life, I don’t see anything to keep me here. I feel like such a failure nothing I actually ever do is good enough for anybody. I’m hiding away, in my bedroom lay in my bed hiding under the covers because I can’t handle life, I can’t handle the world, I can’t handle people and quite honestly I can’t even handle myself right now. I feel like I’m literally drowning. 

My mental health is declining rapidly and I’m here shutting myself away, what kind of weakling does that make me? What kind of failure does that make me right now? I’m so stupid! Have youu ever literally just stood there in front of a mirror and asked yourself “what is the point in my existence? What is the point of me?” The anger I have towards myself for eben feeling this way is so intense, I know I should be able to handle life but in all honesty right now, I just can’t. 

I know that right now I do need to access the support I have available to me, but I can’t bring myself to reach out for it so I just feel like I’m drowning. I’m stuck, alone and scared because I can’t even reach out for support because I can’t handle it, how dumb does that make me? I’m shutting myself away from my support workers, my psychiatrist and my psychologist, I’m ignoring phone calls, I’m avoiding letters, I’m avoiding voice mails and messages because I just cannot handle to talk to anyone, I can’t handle people and I honestly don’t even know how I’m supposed to pull myself outta this I really don’t. 

I know what people may think when they read this “well just reach out then” or “don’t be so stupid and ask for help” but honestly I wish it was that easy. My mind is telling me I’m not worthy of support, I’m not worthy of being helped and it’s dragging me down hugely to the point I’ve just shut down. I don’t know how to bring myself out of this rut, I feel like I’m trying so hard to paddle to survive but instead all I’m doing is drowning further and further to the bottom. 

Being Scared Of Life And Even Scared Of Yourself When Your Mental Health Takes Over.

Okay, so I get that people will look at this and think “well how could some one be scared of themselves?” It may seem unlikely to someone who actually doesn’t suffer with mental health issues but to someone who does, being scared of themselves is highly possible aswell of being scared of life.

For me when my mental health takes over my thoughts race, I can’t rely on my own mind because I become scared of it. I have these voices in my head (yeah, I know what you’re thinking, she’s crazy right? Me too) that tell me all sorts of things, like I’m worthless I’m a nobody and that everyone is conspiring against me and everybody wants to get rid of me and hurt me. I become scared of what I could possibly do to myself, I hurt myself and I’m scared that it’ll go further,  guess in a way youu could say that I don’t trust myself I don’t trust my own mind when my mental health takes over. 

I also know what it’s like to be scared of life because the truth is who can we actually trust? Especially if we can’t even trust ourselves.. Life is scary like massively scary and I know that so many people will agree with that.. But living with a mental health condition(s) makes it even more scarier. Youu become scared of everything and everyone, sometimes youu don’t even know what’s real and what’s not so that makes it even more scarier. Everything can just build and build and build inside of youu until your this big messed up ball of scared, and this is where I’m at right now n my own life.. 
I’m scared of myself, I’m scared of the people around me, I’m scared of life, I’m scared of being unloved, I’m scared of being rejected, I’m scared of failing, I’m scared of being forgotten, I’m scared of my own mind and my own thoughts, I’m scared of the voices that live inside of my head. I’m just that big messed up ball of scared, and guess what? It absolutely bloody sucks. 

I know there are so many people out there that will feel the exact same way that I do, I know that I’m not the only person going through something like this but if I’m honest I do feel extremely completely alone and it’s such an awful feeling. So if you’re reading this blog, either sat at a desk or lay in bed with your headphones on, or where ever it is youu are right now I want youu to know you’re not alone, youu don’t have to go through this alone, I’m lucky because I have professionals who know how to handle/help me, and youu could have that too.. Just reach out for some help because you’re honestly so worth it. Youu deserve to get better, youu deserve to be supported and youu more than deserve to be happy just take that first step and I promise youu, that youu won’t regret it.

Being dealt a shit hand in life.

How much is one person supposed to handle? How much before a person explodes? How much before a person completely falls apart? These are the questions I find I’m asking myself a lot lately.. 

One thing after another and it feels like I’m supposed to handle it, but the truth is that I can’t. I was told something the other day that could potentially shape my future, something I’m really struggling to digest I think it’s safe to say it’s something that has completely messed with my head and I’m not sure if I can actually handle.. Let me explain..

So the other day I went to the doctors again after having three ear infections in the past two months, only when I was there I knew I had to raise another issue I’ve been having, my ladies “monthly cycle” hasn’t happened for four months now, which is very uncommon for me as I’m regular as clock work (sorry to any men reading this) so the obvious question was asked about pregnancy and that wasn’t the case, so I’ve been given a likely diagnosis of polycystic ovaries and told it may be difficult for me to get pregnant in the future, this threw me completely as it’s always been my dream to be a mum, I have to have further tests to see if this is the case if so then can discuss my options.. I’ve been left absolutely devastated, my mind is spinning and I’m struggling to handle this bombshell I was given by a doctor..

I’ve been told to not worry or think about it until we have the results back but that’s easier said than done when you’re told something like this, especially when you’re a worrier anyway. I’ve only told my best friend and as my mum was with me at the doctors she knows too, walking out of that doctors room my head in a spin I broke down, I broke down in my mums arms, with other things going on in my life this for me was the final thing to push me over the edge and I finally broke. I guess in a way its the waiting and the not knowing that is the hardest part. My mind is going overtime and if I’m being completely honest I’m scared. 

I guess my reason for writing this post is to look for some support because i need it now more than ever. I’m stuck in the unknown right now and its a scary place to be. I can’t do this alone.

Trying to make everyone else happy before yourself.

I know this is one thing that I do constantly, putting people before myself even if that means I’m being hurt in the process.. I honestly don’t know why I do it but I just do. 

I know that people will say “youu can’t make everyone happy so what’s the point in doing this to yourself?” My answer to that question is in all honesty I believe that everyone else around me is worth more than me, deserve better than me, that their happiness is worth more than mine, this is what my depression tells me, this is what my bpd tells me, this is what the voices inside my head tell me.. So all I do is put everyone else before myself even if it doesn’t always work out its something that I have to do..

Now I know what youu must be thinking “she’s crazy” “she’s hearing voices she’s mad” or “she’s stupid” anyone can label me what they like but I will continue to put everyone else before myself because I don’t know how to put myself first anymore. I don’t know how to look after number one because all my time goes into putting everyone above myself..

 I’ll be completely honest, it’s exhausting it really is exhausting and at times I do ask myself the questions youu may be thinking yourself now why do I do this? What’s the point? What’s my gain from this? My only gain is knowing I try my absolute best to make everyone happy, I do anything I can to help people I do everything I possibly can, granted sometimes it may come back to bite me in the butt and that’s fine, that’s just who I am I suppose.
Another reason I do this is because of my mental health, I believe I’m worthless, a failure, an inconvenience to everyone around me, I’m not worthy of happiness, I’m not deserving of a better life and I guess in a way I’m kind of okaay with that I’ve gotten used to that so why not try make someone else happy? Yeah I know what you’re thinking youu can’t “make” someone be happy but at the end of the day all youu can do is try.

I honestly don’t know of I’m alone in this, if I’m alone in feeling the way that I do but in all honesty one day if I manage to make myself happy, get the confidence in myself to make me happy then great but if not and if this is what I have to do then that’s fine to. 

lost in the darkness

I wish that I was able to say that I’m okay, but honestly I don’t even know what feeling “okay” means anymore. All I know is that I’m not okay, in far from being okay. 

I woke up this morning feeling lost, which I’m sure there will be many other people who have woken up today feeling the exact same way, my question is what are we supposed to do when we feel lost? 

In my mind all I’m able to see is darkness, there’s darkness surrounding me and there’s absolutely no light through that darkness so I’m lost, I don’t know which way to go, or who to even turn to and ask for help. I guess I just feel like the world is against me right now and nothing that I’m able to do is working to even bring just a little bit of light through. I don’t know what I’m actually expected to do. 

I told my mum today that I’m struggling and that I’m feeling so down, her first question was “have youu taken your meds” and then she tells me I’ll be fine, but again what does that even mean? How does she know that when I don’t even know it myself? Everything is really getting me agitated today, whether it be big or small its stressing me out. The only thought in my mind is “when is it bedtime” but then I know once it comes to bedtime I won’t be able to sleep I’ll just be lay in bed staring into the darkness and overthinking things in my mind so I ask myself.. Do I really lt to be bedtime? I just feel totally lost and I don’t know what to do.. 

If you’re reading this and you’re lost in this darkness and youu don’t know which way to turn or who to turn to then please know that you’re NOT alone, people do understand what you’re going through so please talk to people and let them know how you’re feeling because youu don’t deserve to go through what ever it is alone you’re worth more than that I promise youu. I’m not going to say it’ll get easier or that everything will magically disappear because I know that it won’t but just take one step at a time, go at your own pace and don’t forget that you’re not alone. You’re far more stronger than youu think. 

bullies/bullying.

So I’m sat here in a room in a place I don’t even know and I guess I feel abit outta my comfort zone being here but while sat here reading a trashy magazine I came across an article “we’re all miserable really aren’t we?” And it mainly just talks about bullying and stuff like that.. 

Now, while reading this something sparked inside of me anger or sadness maybe? Normally I write bout my mental health and my experiences but after reading this article I decided to pick up my phone and write a blog sharing my experiences with bullies.. 

In primary school there was this one girl who I really didn’t get on with, now I’m not a person who likes conflict I avoid it like the plague.. So this girl was horrible now I’m older I can honestly say she was a total bitch.. She’d call me names like “fat” “ugly” and “stupid”.. When we were in class and the teacher would ask me a question that I didn’t know the answer too she would laugh with all her friends and call me ” dumbo” so whenever in lessons I would try and hide from the teacher, avoid being asked or make it look like I was doing other stuff because I honestly felt stupid.  I Remember one day in the playground she was with her friends and she came up to me while I was playing with some of my friends with the skipping rope and she had those shoes youu know the ones that have the small heal on? Well she came up to me and kicked me in the private area  stood there laughing at me with her friends while I was left on the floor crying and at that time I honestly never felt more alone or embarrassed in my life and obviously when the teacher came over to us she denied everything.. This went on through primary school and it really did make me feel so worthless alone and stupid. I never told anyone about the bullying because I felt like no one would believe me because this girl and her friends kept denying everything.. 

When I went to high school I was bullied there too.. By a group of girls and some boys too, I hated every second I was there I’d make up excuses so that I didn’t have to go in when I did go in I’d be subjected to name calling, threats and psychical violence too.. I was made to feel so scared, alone, worthless, a failure at everything I did I turned to self harm at the age of twelve, I had no other way to cope with the bullying and also other things that were going on in my private life. When I got home from school I’d feel so alone that I’d reach for the blade and just want to end everything because I couldn’t cope. After about two years at this school I moved to another school where the bullying continued. I remember one day in about year 9/10 when I was walking home through the park after school and I was on my own and this lad from my year was following me and threatened to rape me. When I got home I was heartbroken I couldn’t stop crying I told my mum what had happened and I was left completely shaken. At this point my mum rang the school and told them what had happened and I was told to go see one of the teachers the next day so I did, although the school did speak to him it seemed to get worse but I didn’t tell anyone because he’d been spoken to on a few occasions and nothing worked. There were a few other lads who would bully me, laugh and whisper when I was walking down the corridors, they’d push me and call me names, I felt so worthless and like nodoby would care ifi was dead. At this point self harm became a daily thing and I’d taken an overdose because I just wanted everything to stop. No matter what was done the bullying continued until the day we left for good. 

Even though the bullying stopped after leaving that doesn’t mean the scars fade. Through school I sank into deep depression and suffered anxiety and I still do. Every now and then I still hear their voices telling me how worthless and stupid I am and it still hurts even now. I’ve never spoken out about being bullied apart from that once in school when I was threatened with Rape. 

Words hurt and they stick with youu no matter what age youu are.. What I’ve come to realise is that bullies bully because they’re suffering themselves on the inside, they bully and target the weaker people because it makes them feel powerful it makes them feel like they have control over you; we all have our pains and aches through life but that doesn’t mean we have to have the weight of other peoples sadness put onto us, I used to feel like I deserved the bullying because I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t skinnier enough but now I realise its them who had the problem not me and I didn’t deserve the way I was treated. Its took me years to realise this but I will be stronger now because of those bullies I won’t let them win.

My message to anyone who is being bullied is; speak out! Tell someone youu trust, a family member, a teacher or a friend and let them help you. My biggest mistake was keeping it to myself, the bullying nearly cost me my life don’t let them do the same to you; youu don’t deserve to be treated like you’re nothing, you’re a human being and deserve to be happy! Don’t let the bullies win you’re much stronger than you think youu are!