So, I’ve recently started to engage in therapy.. I’ve only had 5 sessions so far. My sixth session will be wednesday. My appointments are every wednesday at half two. I started therapy because i was sexually abused growing up. From age 11 for seven years. At 21 i feel I’m ready to talk about wjat happened.
However I’m scared. I’ve been reading a lot online about people who have been to therapy before and at the beginning they’re scared too just like i am. The end result for them is so much better than it was in the beginning. But thats one of the things that I’m scared about. What if i go through therapy and my end result is exactly the same as it was at the beginning?
I’m also scared of being judged, i know that people will tell me that professionals will never judge youu, but that doesn’t make the fear go away it just makes me feel guilty for feeling the way i do.
I’m scared that when i leave that room my therapist will be thinking I’m a pain, or that I’m just being stupid & I’m really not worth the time of being helped because I’m too broken to be helped. Or thinking that I’m wasting her time because I’m unable to answer most of the questions or if thinks I’m being rude because i struggle to make eye contact with her as i struggle too with many other people.
I’m scared to trust her because my trust has been broken so badly that I’ve grown to not trust a lot of people. When i do trust someone they hurt me or they just simply walk away because I’m too much of a “challenge” or that I’m hard work. The little voices in my head keep telling me that if i trust her and open upto her about things then once i leave she will tell people what I’ve said and they will all be laughing at me behind my back.
I’m scared of not being believed. Being believed is a huge thing for me. The person who abused me is in prison has been for a year. He was found guilty of over 20 counts. But my family don’t believe me therefore don’t support me at all, So I’m scared that my therapist won’t believe me also. She has told me she does believe me but again the voices in my head are telling me that she’s just saying this because she feels sorry for me and that she’s only entertaining me because she has too.
I’m also scared of opening up to a complete stranger, because that’s exactly who a therapist is, a complete stranger. The fear of that comes back to the trust part also because I’ve been hurt and i feel like anyone can hurt me which I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. I guess I’m wary to open up or trust her because i don’t know who she is as a person so therefore i don’t know if she’s someone I’ll be able to trust or if she’s going to betray me like everyone else in my life has.
I’m also scared of confronting the issue. In a way I’ve been putting it off because if i talk about it then that will make it real & that absolutely terrifies me.. I’ve hidden it all for so long I’m scared of what will happen once i am able to let it all out & confront my issues.
I’m also scared if i spiral out of control & lose my way because i can’t handle things will my therapist then give up on me? Everyone I’ve known or trusted have given up on me & just walked away so that plays on my fear of rejection.
I’m scared that my therapist will think that I’m crazy. I mean, i think I’m crazy myself so why wouldn’t she? What If i say something about like how I’m feeling & she looks at me yano with that “you’re actually crazy” look. Once someone gives me that look my walls go straight back up again & then it’s right back to square one with being scared to open up again.
I know that there are so many positives for partaking in therapy, but sometimes for different people the fear/negatives definitely outweigh the positives. I’m a huge ball of scared right now about therapy but who knows maybe the fear will subside somewhere along the line🙊